Dear Hillary Clinton:
I am writing to apologize for all the nasty things I’ve said and written about you over the past 20 years. I really really misjudged you. It’s taken me like forever to get over that universal healthcare stunt you tried to pull in the early 90s. But since we put a stop to that nonsense with Harry and Louise, I’ve got to admit you’ve been a real trooper.
Because I’m a generous sort, I’m going to give you partial credit for the big dog’s accomplishments. I think it’s fair since Bill told us back in ’92 that we were getting two for the price of one. Plus, you haven’t proposed rolling back his signature legislative accomplishments. So here’s my mea culpa.
I thought you’d be in favor of profit-killing regulations. I was never so happy to be wrong. NAFTA was such a bonus that I never expected. Bill campaigned against it. That was really smart. He might not have won if he had said he would sign it and then we’d have been stuck with that bastard RiNO tax raiser.
You and “dog” deserve beaucoup credit for the three strikes and you’re out legislation too. It’s made me beaucoup bucks since I got into Corrections Corporation of America early. Thanks!
I gotta say continuing media deregulation, started by Reagan and Bush, was great too. Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and lots of other right-wingers on thousands of radio stations made it that much easier for conservatives to take over Congress, statehouses around the country, cut my tax bill, gut environmental regulations, and pass “right-to-work” laws.
You know what else worked wonders – triangulation. It’s true that genius Dick Morris probably deserves the lion’s share of the praise but it took a Clinton to implement the strategy of pitting different members of the Democratic coalition against each other. I’m thinking Sister Souljah coupled with “welfare reform”. Making Americans poorer and more desperate to hold onto a job any job, worked wonders on my employees. Boy did they stop whining about raises fast. Another benefit, that you may not have intended, is it really put a lot of people off the Democratic party. Divide and conquer I always say.
Bill capped off an amazing eight year run when he signed the repeal of Glass-Steagall. My daughter’s hedge fund really took off when the big banks started buying up those derivatives. It’s true I was a little concerned in 2008 when the crash came but it all worked out in the end didn’t it? Don’t think I’m not grateful for that bail-out which you agreed to by the way.
But hey I’m getting ahead of myself Hillary, can I call you that? I have so many other things to thank you for. The permanent most favored nation status that you supported for China was the impetus for me to move permanently all manufacturing operations overseas and it’s netted me billions.
Hillary I could go on and on. There’s the war on Iraq and Libya and Syria. Keeping Americans focused on overseas adventures and waving old glory at every opportunity helps stop dead in its tracks any progressive peacenik movement like the one that Democrat Socialist is trying to launch. Plus, it puts even more money in the pockets of military contractors and you know I own lots of shares since Dick recommended I put some spare funds into Halliburton back when you were first lady.
That push to increase the number of H1B visas has been a godsend. Some of these smart guy techies thought I couldn’t run my business without them. The hell I can’t and I owe it all to your work to increase the number of visas available to “skilled” foreign workers. Importing a bunch of Sri Lankans and Indians has made me another pisspot full of money.
Hillary – I underestimated you in the past. I won’t do it again. It makes sense that to get over on the Demorats you need to tell ’em you oppose the TPP and the Keystone pipeline. So, the feints left you’re making now won’t spook me one bit.
I love how you’re attacking BS’s bleeding-heart single-payer plan as too expensive. You’re poisoning the public against this terrible idea for the owners of for-profit healthcare companies
Thanks again so much Hillary and to show my appreciation more tangibly, I’ll have my girl send your girl a few dates and times for you to deliver a speech at our corporate headquarters. Of course, all travel expenses will be paid along with your customary fee. Look for a healthy donation to the Clinton foundation in the next few weeks as well. Finally, that David Brock you’ve got on your payroll is one sharp operator. You should know we’ll be working closely together through November.
H/t Dr. Cleveland whose remark spurred me to write this post.